Ewa's thoughts for the day:
'Tis the 1st day of December! I am writing and Caitlin has not written yet, which makes me feel guilty. Sorry, Caitlin. But yesterday, as I was walking home from Wendy's in the right state of mind, I became a samurai. I'm sure others may want to be a samurai too, so when I got home, I wrote down "The Guide to Becoming A Samurai" before I forgot about it.
I had to correct the horrible grammar and spelling, but otherwise, everything is the same. Yeah, really.
The Guide to Becoming a Samurai.
1.) You must think, speak, and act like a Samurai.
2.) The car’s exhaust fumes disintegrate your lungs; you may proceed in removing them before this procedure.
3.) Make them think that you are no different, that you indeed don’t have frostbite on your fingers. This is really because samurais do not feel, just like Chuck Norris and Clumsy the Obese Whale (no reference intended.)
4.) The iPod headphones will save your dignity from being too stepped-on. Wear them, but wear them with caution.
5.) Walk to the beat of the song.
6.) You have permission to smile to yourself, and then look around and see if anyone saw you.
7.) Do NOT step on the dog shit.
8.) Step on all the cracks of the sidewalk. Your dog’s back is fine.
9.) The street, indeed, is a dangerous place. Look twice…better yet, look 4 times. Look until you can’t look no more. You may start to feel yourself getting a little sweaty. You need not worry. But do not let the UPS guy run you over.
10.) Swing on the swing. Stay out of the cat box.
11.) Walk straight. Yes.
12.) Act like you’re high. This is a good strategy when a male teenager stares at you funny, and you need a visible excuse to why you’re smiling at the cat in the window. But there is no cat in the window.
13.) Watch a family through their window as they say grace before a meal. Notice how they hold their hands, how the rainbows are plugged. Proceed.
14.) Text somebody close to you to recommend this Samurai program.
15.) Squeal, “Shit!” when you realize that that person doesn’t even have a phone, and you could have texted that to like, the hot guy from My Sister’s Keeper. But that’s okay. He understands.
16.) Swing on the swing. The cat box is tempting.
17.) As a samurai, don’t make yourself too obvious. Don’t go around being all bubbly, answering people when they say hello, etc. Keep your head down. Keep your head down. Keep your head down. Keep your head down. Keep your head down.
18.) Sit on the sand. It’s okay if it’s wet. I think that’s what she said, but I can’t be sure.
19.) Stop if you get a cramp. It doesn’t look weird.
20.) Sit on the fence and realize it’s electric. Being a samurai is a true hands-on experience.
21.) Take out your phone, write everything that is on your mind in the notes. The snowman eating your fingers will not notice if you don’t think about it too much.
22.) Take pictures with this phone. Things look stunning, and as a samurai, you must not ignore them. Samurais are the only ones that understand the world as it really is. So beautiful. So beautiful.
23.) Think of what your priest may look like stoned. Find out why the priests don’t smoke weed during mass.
24.) Answer phone, but do not seem too innocent. Seem kind of guilty. Then you won’t be lying as much.
25.) Think of how life would be if you knew a princess. As a samurai, you will be protecting princesses at one point so you must not let your guard down.
26.) Get home, sprint upstairs. Good, look at your reflection, try not to scream, you look just fine but your eyes are a little red and your hair is frizzy. This is just because you’ve been working hard.
27.) Shake it out. Shake it out. You’re not swinging anymore, but who knows? Strip down, spray some papayas, get dressed, spray some pineapple.
28.) Presto, you are a samurai. *BONUS* you smell like Hawaii.
29.) Eat dinner with parents. Try to describe day with as little words as possible. Samurais are mysterious.
30.) Try not to smile. THEY notice.
31.) Endure your hardships like a hero.
Why you should drink tea:
PS. The picture is not mine! Don't sue me please!
PPS. I got my L today!
